28

*The evil people took away the internet for a few days, so this is a delayed post. Enjoy... especially the picture (it's not me, it's G.)*

I read somewhere that being subjected to too much light is bad for the mind and body. (In fact, it's a technique used in interrogation and torture) If you've been up many nights doing work with all the lights on, you'll know what I mean. Darkness is comfort and rest, a kind of surrender. For so many weeks (months!), I've felt as though every switch in my system has been hardwired to 'ON'. I even found some switches to turn on that I never knew existed! It's been hard and slow coming down, switching off, tuning out. I still get up restless at 7am. A mild, inexplicable sense of panic accompanies me everywhere like a stubborn little pet. I’ve fed and cultivated it slavishly and it will just not. Go. Away. Shoo!

Yesterday was my birthday. It was a gentle day, full of quiet transformations. Me and G. got massages to celebrate. There was an… ahem, incident involving a pair of disposable panties, as well as a farcical lunch, which we will not delve into too deeply here. As we lay there purring and comatose, I couldn’t help thinking we were something like dead logs being aromatherapically prodded back into the land of the living and breathing!

In the evening, even though it was drizzling, we went to Pantai Pasir Panjang, nearby in Balik Pulau. I think it’s one of Penang’s last beautiful beaches. You take a short windy road, following the signs to Kem Bina Negara and Pulau Betong. You pass by saltwater marsh on your right and then there it is at the end of the road – our little secret hideaway! The sun was setting. The water was warm. I was being cradled in the bowl of the world - I floated on my back in it, feeling faint raindrops on my face… and then like some methodical short circuit every switch in my body and mind started to go out. Flip flip flip flip. I looked up at the great sky, and I was weightless – no words, no memories. I was only something tossed by the gentle waves, belonging equally to sea and shore: they couldn’t decide who was going to have me!

The light was something magical and seemed to go on and on. The waves got a little stronger. One, two: ok, it was decided then: the shore it was. I stepped out clean and at peace, warmed by an indefinable sense of gratitude. Me and G. swigged vodka, lit up cigarettes and watched until the sun burnt itself out in the sky.

Later, I slept the deep, restful sleep of the blessed. It was a great day.

Last leg last leg

I am offering libations to all friendly cosmic and earthly energies, supplications to forces great and small... please give me energy and steady nerves to finish my exhibition and trip to Myanmar during the next two weeks.

Amen amen amen.

An imperfect art

Snapshot of Chinary Ung's Spiral IX, taken from Malaysiancomposers.com

Crunch time has come to visit again. The show is 3 weeks away and counting, with all the usual sicknesses in full attendance - heart beating faster, intense anxiety, fatigue. If you visited my mind, what you'd find there is a blinking neon sign.

I won't be posting often, but please read *this* lecture by Cambodian-American composer Chinary Ung. I searched him out after reading a wondefully moving interview with him and Malaysian composer CH Loh in this month's Off The Edge (which by the way, is an excellent issue overall).

He talks about how art (music) is imperfect, and speaks soulfully about the creative process as a spiritual quest that is 'not about position, it's about expression and liberation'. Yes, yes, you've heard it all before. But for me, I find that I can never hear enough of this sort of wisdom, and in fact I DON'T hear enough of it. I think no matter what sort of artist you are, whether successful or washed-out, you are always waiting for a teacher to show you the path again... that path... which shimmers tenously, blown in and out of sight by fear and... what else but a lack of faith?

At this point, I'll whisper to you my deepest dream: I want to live by the sea doing what I love to do, and build a community around that. The end of 2008 will mark 4 years since I started living and working as an artist. I think all this time I was (have been) struggling madly (fiercely!) to spiral from the outside into the center. Next year, when I begin my new job, I WILL be at the 'center' - it's the logical conclusion of my quest so far. The path I began on can't go much further than that, I think. So after that time (how long will it take? 1 year? 2?) in the center... I'll start spiralling out again... reaching for the ocean, my home.

But yeah, go read that lecture. And wish me luck for my show!

Happy thoughts

Because I'm stuck alone on a hill, feeling blue.

1. The sea
2. Boats
3. Tattoos
4. Bright stars
5. Clear nights
6. Dresses
7. Wine
8. Buying art
9. Literature
10. Miyazaki
11. Tophats
12. Breakfast
13. Walking
14. New languages
15. Galapagos
16. Mexico
17. Argentina
18. Portugal
19. Make-up
20. Dancing
21. Poop
22. Z. + Bunny
22. Aubrey & Maturin
23. Sex
24. Bach
25. Dan Savage
26. Friends, old and new
27. Graphic novels
28. Bikinis
29. Glass jars
30. Sydney
31. The moon
32. Whiskey, expensive or cheap
33. Gardens
34. Coconuts, trees and to eat
36. Herbs
39. Jacques Pepin
40. Panthers
41. Rivers
42. Antares
43. Color pencils
44. Perfume
45. Sleep, after a long day
46. Honey
47. Cloth bags
48. Massage
49. Rubber bouncy balls
50. Ur-Quan Masters!

Ooo. It worked. Back to work. Laters.

Relative stress

Back in KL for a few days - work, weddings, interview.

If *I* feel stressed, can you imagine what Obama's going through?

(from the lovely Ed Winkleman)

If I don't get that flashy job, I will still be perfectly happy - moving out, living cheaply and perhaps not buying quite so many dresses.

If I fuck up my exhibition so badly that I'm stoned out of Georgetown as a pariah artist.. um. I will still be perfectly happy - I'll move to that little fishing village in Teluk Bahang and live out my freelancer days in complete bliss.

So everyone (including me), chill the fuck out!

New dress New dress New dress

Ugh. This online shopping thing is bad for my credit.

Considering I'm living on a hill where grooming really is at the bottom of my priorities, all this dress purchasing must be driven by some compulsion I don't quite understand yet. They're being sent to my house in KL, so I haven't even seen them! When I go back there and open the boxes it will be like Christmas...

Anyway, back to work to pay for these lovely threads!

Once again, dress and photo from http://the-shoplifters.blogspot.com/

Tired old fish

Revolving hatstand from www.storefixturedepot.com. Wouldn't this make such a cute sculpture, filled up with quirky handmade hats?

You may have noticed, dear reader, that the last few posts have been distinctly list-like in nature. This isn't merely stylistic conceit, but an attempt to keep track of the multiplying threads in my head - always on the verge of becoming a hopeless tangle.

Here are some dates, so that you too, can follow the fascinating travails of my life:

1. We know at last that the residency exhibition opening dates are 8 - 18 December. Yeah, 10 days long (AND CLOSED ON WEEKENDS - it's going to be in a bank, people) make that 7 days!), WTF right? Oh well. Opening is December 12.

2. Dec 3 - 7: I'm going to Myanmar! Beyond Pressure International Performance Festival is happening and I will be there. I'm so happy and excited about this, even though it is right before the exhibition. I'm trying not to think about that, because something deep inside, like maybe my small intestine, is telling me that this is going to be a life-changing experience. I'm thinking about performing How To Talk To Strangers, as well as a new little work I developed from a game the teacher made us play in sign language class.

3. That G.P. research project. Sigh... it's more hard work. And the deadline inches closer.

Damn, I'm tired. I'm at zero, baby. I can pull out a little more magic for this last road, but after that, I'm hanging up my cloak and hat for awhile.

This has got to be the most boring post I've ever written. (If you're having some discreditable, facetious thought in your head along the lines of say, oh, 'maybe not the MOST boring...' - meh, shame on you)

Well onto happier thoughts. Let's help Betta plan a holiday! Any ideas are welcome. Keep in mind that I like the sea, boats, lounging around beaches in my bikini, eating vegetarian food, reading, sewing, having hot sex, wearing funny clothes and getting drunk. I also feel like I'd like to do some recreational drugs (in a safe and nurturing environment).

I'm thinking most about a trip to East Malaysia... a whole other Malaysia.

Second place goes to Langkawi, just because it's so close to Penang.

Best time to visit me in Penang is from exhibition opening onwards. You can see the show and then we can consume disgusting amounts of duty-free Langkawi booze.

Right-o, bright-o. I have to post this before the power cuts off again. It's thundering and lightning vastly outside.

Birthing pains

1. Pocket seas
Flipbooks animations of mobile phone videos of the sea, shot from seven points of the island.

2. Sailing pockets
A scaled down suite of sails sewed from transparent organza, turned into shoulder bags, incorporating pockets rescued from old trousers. White is the colour of surrender.

3. Sitting states/Bumiputeri
Silhouettes of different states of sitting, filled with sand, sewn into straw mats. Weight of the body - imprint on the land. This place is forcing teaching me to sit.

-

12 people die when their boat sinks after leaving Port Klang. They're on their way home to celebrate Hari Raya.

-

Each person journeys to find a home, and this journey is internal as much as external.

We all need safety, a place to rest and sit. This invitation is extended to all - rich and poor, young and old, male and female, from all corners of the world - because this search is basically a function of the body. This body that's a universal burden - humble, imperfect (like a carpet) - with so much capacity for pain. The mind and spirit are respites of the body. Sometimes the body is its own respite.

-

Reading: The Stone Raft by Jose Saramago; The Hundred Days by Patrick O'Brian.

Saramago's nobel lecture *here*.
-

Feeling: something moving.

-

Missing: Poop, friends, lover & family.

Two small surrenders

1.
There'll come a time
when veils are drawn back
when the distant lights you see
from the plane
or the hill
or across the sea
are just pretty to look at
and don't mean a thing
no matter how hard you try.

2.
Now, I want to love you
with my eyes shut
nothing watching
but the night.
And you take the words
right out,
leave breath pouring
in

Weather II

1. Weather is a system.
2. The system circulates.
3. Nothing lost, nothing gained.

Also, what are weathermaps but maps of change?

Pockets II

This is about circulation.

Start
1. Residency - get/give money
2. Money - put in pocket
3. Pocket - get object
4. Object - transform into something
5. Something - show to people
6. People - buy something, get/give money
Start again

Listen, Betta, Listen

... to the wisdom of Master Wu Gui!

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present." (OMG, so true. And without Master Yoda's idiosyncratic syntax!)

"There are no accidents." (Say this three times or keep repeating until unwilling ears receive)

"One often meets her destiny on the road she takes to avoid it." (Goddammit!)

"Let go of the illusion of control" (I'm trying...)

Thoughts on the weather

As I was saying to G., it's like the weather is the 3rd artist in residence up here at Balik Pulau. Storms, floods, mini landslides, blackouts, rising damp, puddles, showers, gentle rains, winds, sun, high humidity, a million stars in the cloudless night sky - we have seen it all with the promise of more to come. And right now? It's a wondrous day. Laundry day. Sit back day. Sex in the afternoon day. It will bring on an evening that aches on into night, because the day doesn't want to say goodbye.

I have no notions of my purpose up here, still floating from one day to the next, sitting and waiting. The only thing I am sure of is the experiencing of uncertainty. Uncertainty is not to be confused with timidity or sloth...

My thought petered out there, just as I was dwelling on the irony of wanting to speak resolutely of uncertainty. Who knows what it is. It is not a thing (an attribute) but a state (a condition). No knowledge or determination of will has helped me to overcome uncertainty. Believe me when I say this has proved profoundly frustrating.

The only way that helps me think about it is the weather. I wake up every morning trying to read myself like I read the clouds in the sky - will it be rain? Will it storm? The weather is making me realize what to do: arm yourself with knowledge and an inkling, be prepared for anything, have the right tools, keep watch... and just... submit.

Drunken post

Hahahah. Didn't take very long did it? Making noble inroads into that bottle of Smirnoff.

The night before last, as I fell asleep, I saw right in front of me, through the mosquito net, a small little green glow, as if a faint star had descended into my concrete hut. Stupid and hazy between dream and life, my thoughts ran thus:

OMG. It's a light. WTF is it doing there? Am I dreaming? I feel quite awake though.
*blink*
Shit, it's still there. You know what they say about seeing a light in the jungle - don't look at it! It may be some pontianiak shennenigans, dey!
But it's so pretty...
*blink*
Still there. Aiyoh. Maybe it's a _______. But who am I kidding, those things disappeared ages ago. Whatever. Sleep la.

Well, I didn't dare to hope, but G. confirmed tonight that there are fireflies around here. So I have been visited. Poor lonely little thing. If it comes again I will stare and stare at it, I promise!

Tomorrow I will try to catch this almost mythical U401 bus into town.

Yesterday night, because of the day's rain, the stars were out in all their glory. I turned off the lights and sat staring at them, rapt and humbled. That simple grace I've known intermittently throughout my life, brought into being by the most cliched of things (sunsets, stars, full moons, ballet, etc.), wrapped around me like an invisible blanket...

Betta: You know, I wish I would just see likd a snake or a giant centipede, so that I can freak out once and then be done with it
G.: Hey, give it time
Betta: I just want to get the freak out out of the way, you know
G.: You may not even see one!
Betta: *forging ahead* So did this centipede actually get onto your foot or was it NEAR your foot? These things matter .
G.: Uhh. It was NEAR, not actually ON.
Betta: *shudder*

Working backwards

Think it softly and say it in a whisper.

For some unknown reason, I think that the show at the end of the year may be called 'Seeing and Hearing'.

But don't ask why and don't tell anyone. Yet.

Who would believe it, 10 years on...

... we say these words with more urgency than ever. Read it and then read Jose Saramago's "Seeing"

DEKLARASI PERMATANG PAUH
Menyedari gesaan al-Quran yang bermaksud “tidaklah kami mahu melainkan untuk melakukan islah sekuat daya kami";

Dan berilhamkan tradisi budaya-budaya Asia yang keseluruhannya menganjurkan pembaharuan diri dan masyarakat; Dan menginsafi bahawa Malaysia kini dicengkam kemelut yang dahsyat dan memerlukan kekuatan dalaman untuk bangun semula; Maka kami rakyat Malaysia yang berbilang bangsa dan agama bertekat untuk melancarkan gerakan reformasi yang menyeluruh:

Gerakan reformasi yang terpancar perjuangan hati nurani,dari kesedaran bahawa sesungguhnya diri manusia itu mulia dan merdeka, mempunyai hak dan tanggungjawab, diri manusia haram dizalimi dan diaibkan, haram di belenggu dan disekat tanpa mengikut proses dan undang-undang yang adil;

Gerakan reformasi untuk menegakkan keadilan untuk semua, yang kuat dan yang lemah, yang kaya dan yang miskin; membersihkan institusi dan proses undang-undang dari dicemari oleh penyalahgunaan kuasa dan rasuah;

Gerakan reformasi untuk mendaulatkan kuasa rakyat melalui proses demokrasi. Demokrasi itu satu kemestian, kerana semangat keadilan yang ada dalam diri manusia membolehkan demokrasi dilaksana, tetapi kecenderungan manusia untuk berlaku zalim menjadikan demokrasi satu kewajipan;

Gerakan reformasi untuk memperjuangkan keadilan ekonomi,menjana pertumbuhan dan pengagihan yang saksama, jangan yang kaya bertambah kaya yang miskin papa kedana. Dunia ini mencukupi untuk keperluan semua, tetapi tidak mencukupi untuk memenuhi kerakusan individu;

Gerakan reformasi untuk membanteras rasuah dan penyalahgunaan kuasa, mengikis manipulasi pasaran oleh segelintir golongan rakus dan mahakaya;

Gerakan reformasi untuk memperkukuhkan jayadiri budaya yang dinamis, setia kepada warisan bangsa yang murni dan terbuka kepada segala yang baik dari semua budaya;

Gerakan reformasi untuk membawa bangsa Malaysia ke zaman maklumat dan dunia tanpa sempadan, menjana kebijaksanaan, keyakinan dan keterbukaan untuk menjalin persahabatan sejagat berdasarkan prinsip kebenaran dan keadilan.

Kami akan menggerakkan reformasi ini dengan aman, mengikut semangat perlembagaan dan bernafaskan prinsip pemerintahan undang-undang.

Masanya telah tiba. Bersatulah untuk reformasi.

Permatang Pauh
12 September 1998


PERMATANG PAUH DECLARATION
Being conscious of the Quranic injunction which urges striving towards betterment;

And inspired by the Asian traditions, which all encourage renewal for the individual and for society;

And acknowledging that Malaysia is in the grip of a terrible crisis and requires recourse to its inner strengths in order to rise again,

We the citizens of Malaysia of all cultural and religious backgrounds are determined to launch a movement for comprehensive reform:

A reform movement shining with a light radiating from aspiring and pure hearts; from the awareness that man is truly noble and free, with rights and responsibilities, that it is a sacrilege to abuse and denigrate any man or woman, to bind and restrict any man or woman without following the due process of just laws;

A reform movement to establish justice for all, the weak and strong, the rich and poor, to preserve the institutions and processes of law from the defilement of graft and abuse of power;

A reform movement to sanctify the power of the people through democratic means, for democracy is an imperative: man’s capacity for justice makes democracy possible, but man's inclination to injustice makes democracy necessary;

A reform movement that champions economic justice, one that advocates fairness in economic growth and distribution so that the rich do not get richer at the expense of the poor, for the world has enough for everyone, but too little to satisfy everyone’s greed;

A reform movement to eradicate graft and abuse of power, to strip the opulent and greedy clique of their power to manipulate the market;

A reform movement to reinforce a dynamic cultural identity, where faith in our noble cultural traditions is intact, but there is openness to all that is good in all traditions;

A reform movement to launch the Malaysian nation into the information age and the borderless world, encouraging wisdom, self-assurance and openness towards a global friendship based on the principles of truth and justice.

We launch this reform movement as a peaceful movement, in accordance with the spirit of the Constitution and in observance of the principles of the rule of law.

The hour has come. Unite for Reformasi.

Permatang Pauh
12 September 1998

It's a hill not a mountain

Balik Pulau, Penang

My accommodations:

Hard to say. To call it a house would be somewhat over generous, yet 'hut' seems a little harsh. It is true that the walls and floor suffer from a lack of paint, making the atmosphere closer to a cell-block than anyone could wish. But there is hot water and electricity, the roof is tiled, and there is internet! It is true that upon closer inspection, me and G. discovered today that the 'mattress' resembles a giant dish sponge. But I haven't slept under a mosquito net nor fallen asleep to the sound of insects since I was a child.

My days:

Long and full with reading, finding the most comforting configuration for the furniture, dusting away cobwebs which seem to grow overnight, fixing food, drinking vodka and staring into space. It started raining yesterday night and continued all day today. At some point I'm sure we were in the middle of a cloud which was gathering more and more weight until it finally turned itself into a giant downpour.

My friends:

G. is the other artist, living in the hut next to mine. She has been here 6 weeks and is positivity and resourcefulness itself! We oriented ourselves well from the very beginning, seeming to sense when the other requires solitude, use of the modem or an offer of alcohol. There are a few forlorn looking dogs and a cat named Mexico who adopted G. in the early days. L. and N. are a Thai couple who work for the resort up the hill. We are an odd little community to be sure, but very comfortable. This place certainly needs to see a good party or two, which we plan to have in the near future.

My work and mind:

Dormant. Both seem to be slumbering away in a dark corner. I prod them every day to see how they are doing, but not too hard! Every morning I wake up and find the weight still there. The other evening I watched L. and N. walk together down the path at the bottom of the hill. They have been married 27 years. I liked seeing how they appeared to communicate silently - you could almost draw some faint lines between them if the idea wasn't so crass. It made me happy and I felt a little like my old self again. I wanted to learn sign language when I was here... maybe that's what I'll do.

Good night.