Music in my head

The opening of the Cello Suite No.3 from the manuscript of Anna Magdalena Bach, dated 1730.

As I limp along making work for this exhibition, the thought has grown in my mind that I no longer want to make art for awhile. Perhaps a year, maybe even more. At first I dismissed it as the usual stressed-artist hyperbole. When it didn't go away, I became very anxious, started feeling sick in the head - short and sharp attacks of chronic paranoia, unhappiness and panic. My instinct was to push harder and harder to try and reach a breakthrough on the other side - it's always worked before. I guess I did breakthrough, but unlike before, what I've found on the other side... is nothing. I feel a bit of shock, yet now I've really accepted it I feel a little calmer.

It's not something a holiday can fix, or even a fully paid- up residency, or a huge-ass commission. If I was invited to Venice today (haha, yeah, preposterous notion, but what the hell), I tell you honestly I'd feel no joy, only anxiety. But M.S. has asked me to collaborate with him at Asiatopia later in the year, and I feel quite happy about that. I've decided that I must try not to do too many things that cause me to feel anxious, or at some point I may find myself only ever acting out of fear for my career... Now, that's a far smaller life than I ever dreamed for myself.

Go to the places that feed you, not take things from you.

I was going to tell you about Bach's Cello Suites. I've been listening to it while I work and it's like having a friend who understands you and is uplifting you all at once! Cellos have a great old noble sound. I did have a night of great sex to the Cello Suites... so remembered warmth probably has alot to do with it. I highly recommend it. (The sex, and the music, and especially, both together)

Happy Post 05 - My head is a music toy made in China

A present from G. - one of my favorite things in the world. Been wanting to post an ode to it for a long time.

(Super) Happy Post 04 - Sailor Shirt Bliss

No time to post pics, but all my clothes dreams came true yesterday. The puffy sleeve sailor shirt I have been obsessing about for months (staring at it the through the boutique window, special trips to the mall where the boutique is so I can fondle it with a wistful look on my face, etc.) is mine mine mine! It is hanging in my closet - making me happy and making the other shirts cower in their non-awesome-non-puffy-sleeve-ness.

Betta (in the boutique): OMG it's on sale
Godzilla: *silence*
Betta (trying it on): Oh, should I get it? Is today the day?
Godzilla: *Exasperated* It's 50 percent! Just buy it and be done with it!
Betta (at the cash register): My dreams are coming true!
Godzilla: Well, it's not hard if you set the bar so low...

And then, dear reader, it gets better!! Godzilla spots ANOTHER sailor shirt - with lots of buttons and a strange detachable bib-thing on the front. I put it on for fun and we both ooh-ahhed at the reflection. And then when I came out of the dressing room she was paying for it on her plastic.

Godzilla: Present.
Betta: OMG. No? Rilly? No I can't. No you can't! No? Rilly? OMG
Godzilla: At least you can wear this one out.
Betta: OMG. Sniff. (Ignoring not-so-subtle insult to personal tastes)

Sigh. I wore bib-front to dinner yesterday, feeling like the Queen of the Nile.

I AM SO HAPPY. Ok baibai, I got to work now.

Happy Post 03 - Tomatomania

Ok, so three Happy Posts in a row are probably pushing it. But it's either that, or I write about how my first day back in KL already has me in tears. Yes dear reader, real tears - of frustration, fear and just... unhappiness. I want to say: it's this city. But this city is not my enemy, according to a song by J.K. it's just like a reckless friend. Looking down at Klang river from the LRT the other day was the same as looking into a mirror. I felt exactly like all that muddy, smelly water rushing and rushing somewhere... not knowing where, just going on, hoping to find a way to the open sea. Are you thinking of that scene in Spirited Away where the River God comes in for a bath? Me too...


Anyway, feast your eyes on Newt's home-grown tomatoes. They are red, big, how else can I say it, BULBOUS. So full of the sun and the earth - doesn't it make you realize that really the earth moves around the sun, which is a great star burning off energy? All that - just to have a tomato. It's amazing. As I said to Newt, I may come off with a readable poem now and then, but she grows TOMATOES.

Happy Post 02 - Selamat Membogel

I can't remember the last time I wanted to

...take all my clothes off and run naked down a mountain lane with absolutely nowhere to go and nothing to do. No doubt insects would be a concern, but on the upside - no tan-lines.

Well that's exactly how I felt during a recent trip up a mountain in Penang, where I will be spending the latter part of the year on an artist residency. I must say the accommodations are a little cell-like, a little heavy on the exposed concrete aesthetic, if you get my meaning. But I'm a big girl and I can take it, besides, it's nothing that a few feminine touches of domesticity can't make good again.

I was dreading this trip due to the insane amounts of work to be done back in KL, but once I caught sight of the sea, I could physically - let me emphasize this - physically register the immediate drop in stress levels. My phone kept ringing on the drive all the way up the hill, continued throughout the day in my little hut - and yet, I didn't feel like flinging my head into a wall. It was as if... hahah, they can reach me but can't get me! Hahahahha.

As I was saying, I wanted to take off my clothes and say to the sun: hello! Look at me! Yup, every god-blessed naked inch. Except that there ARE caretakers living on the mountain too and I didn't want to be rude.

I ate, bathed, finished the rest of Jose Saramago's extraordinary book Seeing in one sitting, I ate somemore, smoked (I actually enjoyed every cancerous breath, as opposed to needing the drug to steel my unsteady nerves), stared into space, walked. When night fell the jungle seemed to close in around me with its sounds and velvet darkness. I got a little scared then, but I put the light on, crawled under my mosquito net and fell into blessed, dreamless sleep.

I am back in KL again. My back aches, my head aches. My heart aches.

But at least I know what I was made for: getting stoned, happy, creative and butt naked. What an affirmation.

PS. still on basics with blogger, so no pics, not even topless ones. Sorry!

Happy Post 01 - Happy Cooking

Updated: Here is a picture of Chez Jacques (on the left) with a good friend of his. This picture of two old men sitting by a river fills my bosom with a strange mix of lust and extreme good-will. Do visit his website www.jacquespepin.net for free recipes and cooking tips like how to properly sharpen a knife or how to chop parsley.

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So I have been quite unhappy lately, as if it takes a genius to figure out from my recent posts here. To alleviate the steady stream of misery, I have decided to introduce a new series called Happy Posts. My life right now is an exhausting ride of high highs and inexplicable lows, but there are quiet and simple things which I enjoy too - which I will try to share in my Happy Posts. Happy reading.

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One thing that relieves this heaviness that I sometimes get in my head is watching Jacques Pepin's cooking show 'Fast Food My Way'. He is one of the world's top chefs, a master in French cuisine. Unlike big-dick cooks like Gordon 'F-word' Ramsay, Anthony Bourdain and Jamie Oliver , he makes cooking seem like the most joyful and natural thing in the world and even the worst food-dummy would find it impossible to be intimidated by him. I especially remember watching him kill a live lobster on TV with consummate grace and skill, and thinking to myself: I could do that. Yes, including the Lobster Fricassee which followed.

But I'm a lousy vegetarian, so I want to give you a fail-safe Jacques Pepin recipe for pasta primavera, or a pasta salad. I should know, because I just made it tonight! It is simple, healthy and delicious and it will make you feel better about life.

You'll need:
3/4 bag of pasta (I like to use big shells or bow-ties)
1 tub of fresh button mushrooms
3 small narrow English cucumbers (here, we can get Japanese ones - they're dark and knobbly)
1 big bag of cherry tomatoes (because generally our normal tomatoes are hateful and tasteless)
I bag of sweet basil leaves
olive oil
salt
cracked black pepper
some garlic

First heat a pot of water for the pasta. Add about 1 tsp salt to the water - for taste and to lower the boiling point.

As the water is boiling, prepare your vegetables. Have a big bowl ready because the whole salad will be mixed in there. Halve the cherry tomatoes. Slice mushrooms. Slice cucumbers quite thinly. (to prepare cucumbers, cut off both ends then rub the cut-offs against the ends of the cucumber to draw out the bitterness. Use a peeler to peel of 3 sections of skin so that you make a pretty pattern when you slice it). Tear basil leaves into rough pieces. Put all of this in the big bowl. Add olive oil, salt and pepper. Also add some chopped garlic (not too much ok? Maybe 1 small clove. All you want is a hint of it because this is a very fresh-tasting salad).

While you're preparing your vegetables, the water will have come to the boil. Add your pasta and cook for approx. 11 - 14mins, stirring constantly. Do not overcook your pasta - you want it to be al dente, which means it has some bite to it, but it is not still crunchy (crunchy means it's not cooked!).

Here is a secret tip. After your vegetables are ready, take two small scoops of the water that the pasta is boiling in and spoon it over the vegetables to soften them. This really makes it taste great.

Now drain your pasta, stir some olive oil through it to keep it from sticking. Add the pasta to your bowl of vegetables and olive oil. Toss well. Season to your taste. Voila!

I like to add cheese to mine to make it more filling. You can add some ham, bacon or sliced sausage.

The measurements I give here are for a whopping big bowl - something that will last you for days. So if you want less, you may want to halve everything.

Happy cooking.

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PS. The editing functions are not working in blogger, hence no linking and images. Will be rectified soon.