Oh, I don't know

1. Good news
Sometimes, after months of waiting, you get a few minutes of good news. It keeps you going. I live for those few minutes. I had some this morning. Most people don't know that I have huge visions in my head, that today or next year is only in preparation for all that I want to achieve in my life. This secrecy.. most of it is just a pathological need for privacy. The rest can be accounted for by oh, I don't know, it's easier to get things done quietly.

2. Friends
One of the things I miss most about Sapporo is J. She really made me laugh. I like... love her so much because she never took my aloofness personally. She just... got it. Generosity combined with understanding, I think. Most people don't know that I have so much going on in my head that frequent retreats are necessary to prevent sensory and emotional overload from surroundings and people (especially people).

3. Lovers
Sometimes you can be very much in love with someone, yet not enjoy their company completely. This makes for interesting, but disastrous, affairs. The sex is good, usually - it feels like you're doing it on the edge of a cliff. But when you love someone you also love spending time with... it's like you're a child again. You go and meet them in the playground at 5pm and you try to will those last moments before the sun sets to last forever. Couple more turns on the monkey bars with so-and-so, oh please mum, please. Sunset is time to part, go home, have dinner, do your homework, and prepare for school the next day. Nothing is more soul-crushing than saying good-bye to your best friend at the park on a Sunday evening.

4. Living
I live my own life, for myself.

Housecleaning

Mom: *sudden, hysterical hoot of laughter downtairs*
Betta: WTF?
Mom: *can barely speak for the laughter*: this... hahahha... it's. It's a box of old Yee Sang!! *choked laughter* from LAST year!! Look!! *Holds up box of fully wrapped 'Premium Gold Yee Sang pack'*
Betta: O_o Keep it away from me.

(Yee Sang is a traditional Chinese salad dish reserved specially for lunar new year. The family gets together and everyone mixes the ingredients communally with their chopsticks. It includes dressings, crispy fried things, shredded vegetables and raw fish. That's why a YEAR old box of Yee Sang would be very gross.)

Resolutions

1. Say no.
(Someone told me the other day that I'll make less mistakes if I remember that there's usually only three answers to a request:

a. yes
b. no
c. I don't unnerstan

No to things I don't want to do. No to people I don't want to be with. No when enough is enough.)

2. Be happy.

3. Stop smoking.

4. Take the good, leave the bad.

Last leg last leg

I am offering libations to all friendly cosmic and earthly energies, supplications to forces great and small... please give me energy and steady nerves to finish my exhibition and trip to Myanmar during the next two weeks.

Amen amen amen.

Talking down

Godzilla talks down Betta's anxieties about joining (touch wood, throw salt over your shoulder, cross fingers, etc) corporate Malaysia:

Godzilla: ...and make sure you take the effort to go for lunch with people.
Betta *looking totally catastrophie*: Huh? Lunch? With people? I have to do that? WTF. OMG. What the hell do I talk about?

This means I can no longer eat toast in the sweetness of my own company all day long.

Betta: I feel like a hillbilly. I feel like I'm 23, starting my first job.
Godzilla: This is not hard. It's easy. Look, if 50 percent of Malaysians can do it, so can you.
Betta: I feel retarded.

This made me realize just how inept we artists are at dealing with stuff other people can do without thinking too much about it. Fill this giant, cavernous space with a hanging sculpture in 3 days? Sure! Circulate at a corporate function? OMG OMG OMG OMG. Interact daily with bosses, secretaries, and office assistants? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

And here's the heartbreak hotel woe-is-me stuff:

Betta: Are people going forget about me as an artist?
Godzilla: Yes, people are probably going to forget about you. (Ain't she good? This is called tough love, y'all) But trust me, when you're done with it, it's not going to take long for them to remember you again.

-

There is so so so much work to be done before the end of the year, my guts quail at the very thought. If it wasn't clear enough to me before that I can no longer continue working in this manner, then I'm absolutely certain of it now.

So in spite of misgivings and anxieties, which honestly, I find difficult to fully articulate, I do look at this impending change with a great sense of relief, anticipation even. And if I may be allowed the indulgence of saying so: I suspect... that I'll make my best art in my 30s. Isn't that something to look forward to?

Welcome to another world

The interview went well.

Short of any storms or change of heart it appears I will start the new year doing something quite different.

More later. For now, I realized that I'll have to change the description of my blogger profile! Ok, that's freaking me out. See you later.

Relative stress

Back in KL for a few days - work, weddings, interview.

If *I* feel stressed, can you imagine what Obama's going through?

(from the lovely Ed Winkleman)

If I don't get that flashy job, I will still be perfectly happy - moving out, living cheaply and perhaps not buying quite so many dresses.

If I fuck up my exhibition so badly that I'm stoned out of Georgetown as a pariah artist.. um. I will still be perfectly happy - I'll move to that little fishing village in Teluk Bahang and live out my freelancer days in complete bliss.

So everyone (including me), chill the fuck out!

Tired old fish

Revolving hatstand from www.storefixturedepot.com. Wouldn't this make such a cute sculpture, filled up with quirky handmade hats?

You may have noticed, dear reader, that the last few posts have been distinctly list-like in nature. This isn't merely stylistic conceit, but an attempt to keep track of the multiplying threads in my head - always on the verge of becoming a hopeless tangle.

Here are some dates, so that you too, can follow the fascinating travails of my life:

1. We know at last that the residency exhibition opening dates are 8 - 18 December. Yeah, 10 days long (AND CLOSED ON WEEKENDS - it's going to be in a bank, people) make that 7 days!), WTF right? Oh well. Opening is December 12.

2. Dec 3 - 7: I'm going to Myanmar! Beyond Pressure International Performance Festival is happening and I will be there. I'm so happy and excited about this, even though it is right before the exhibition. I'm trying not to think about that, because something deep inside, like maybe my small intestine, is telling me that this is going to be a life-changing experience. I'm thinking about performing How To Talk To Strangers, as well as a new little work I developed from a game the teacher made us play in sign language class.

3. That G.P. research project. Sigh... it's more hard work. And the deadline inches closer.

Damn, I'm tired. I'm at zero, baby. I can pull out a little more magic for this last road, but after that, I'm hanging up my cloak and hat for awhile.

This has got to be the most boring post I've ever written. (If you're having some discreditable, facetious thought in your head along the lines of say, oh, 'maybe not the MOST boring...' - meh, shame on you)

Well onto happier thoughts. Let's help Betta plan a holiday! Any ideas are welcome. Keep in mind that I like the sea, boats, lounging around beaches in my bikini, eating vegetarian food, reading, sewing, having hot sex, wearing funny clothes and getting drunk. I also feel like I'd like to do some recreational drugs (in a safe and nurturing environment).

I'm thinking most about a trip to East Malaysia... a whole other Malaysia.

Second place goes to Langkawi, just because it's so close to Penang.

Best time to visit me in Penang is from exhibition opening onwards. You can see the show and then we can consume disgusting amounts of duty-free Langkawi booze.

Right-o, bright-o. I have to post this before the power cuts off again. It's thundering and lightning vastly outside.

From the bottom of the river

Hello there. I'm floating to the surface again, getting used to life after some tough times. There will be more updates soon. Miss me? Hehe.

Updates

I'm working on a moon. A paper moon, to be exact.

I'm reading Seeing by Jose Saramago.

I'm listening to a house filled with music. The oldies have a huge reunion going on and our living room is overflowing with old bandmates. It warms the cockles of my heart to hear them rehearsing for a performance. It makes me think - of a dream that everyone has, some destination you've always had in your head, which you'll have until you lay down to rest for the last time... and everything depends how near or far you are to that destination at the end.

Also, you know, our parents really did have better music.

I'm wearing my silk shirt with a big ribbon bow at the neck (Z.: 'It keeps getting bigger!'), and new short short hair.

I'm visiting these two sites: Tongue In Chic for clothes and Muxtape.com for music.

I need

a holiday

Maturin II

After I collected my degree (it's still rolled up somewhere, I don't know where), came home and started making art, I thought I'd never want to do anything else. It makes my life so fun and meaningful because I get to indulge in whatever obsession of the moment - barricade tape, ships, tattoos, footballs, astronomy, metronomes.

Progressively, it's been getting more meaningful but less fun. I don't know how that happened. The other night I divulged a secret to T.W. - I often make things thinking of the object first, and then insert some kind of 'message' - that's how 'Executive Toy' came about: you see, all I wanted to do was make ceramic balls and paint on them. Yeah, I know. This post is doing myself no favours.

I've been thinking seriously about going to fashion school next year. My unborn label 'Maturin ' has been on my mind constantly in the past couple of months. I don't want to be in the fashion industry. I don't have a passion for that, no passion to 'be on top'. I only want to make clothes and other things that are crafted with a bit of care and integrity. I look at all the stuff that's in these cute new boutiques today and I have no idea where they come from - which factory in China or Indonesia? Cheap fabrics, poor stitching. Clothes you wear for 2 months and throw out after. It's terrible. And then there are the big clothing companies like GAP and TopShop - although they're better designed, they're still not built to last. I'm lucky enough that I can fit my late grandmother's clothes perfectly - they're probably more than half a century old. The colors are as bright as ever, the edge binding shows no signs of fraying, seams and hems are perfectly intact, even the damn buttons refuse to come off!

I think when you make something like that, something beautiful and useful, it defies the ostentatious and gratuitous commercialism that has come to define the fashion industry. I don't want someone to tell me the meaning of value and luxury. That's why Maturin will be a fashion label, NOT a brand. It's just another reason and avenue to do things my way - independent, self-starting and sustainable. I think that buying good things makes you buy less things. My personal wardrobe is pretty small, and unlikely to grow much bigger.

Anyway, these are just the 3am thoughts of an artist who hasn't been using her hands enough the past six months.

Tools

My brain is sore and tired.

This has gotten me out of more than a few work-related adversities. It's helped me out for the past ten years, the best advice I have ever heard:

Out of clutter, find simplicity.
From discord, find harmony.
In the middle of difficulty, lies opportunity.

- Albert Einstein's rules of work.

It's LABOUR DAY for fuck's sake

Betta throws up her hands in disgust at herself, abandons work and goes for a walk in the park.

Moving

I am seriously considering a sort-of permanent move to Penang around 2009 - 2010. This *clicky* is just one reason why. The other is the sea of course. The insane stress of KL life caps it all.

You comin'?

Free lancing

Are you a free-lancer? Do you recognize this deadly cycle:

Deadline crush > Angry mob demanding completion of project > Stress levels skyrocket > Project completed by dint of miracle (with 10 more to go) > Heavy drinking

Knock back another scotch and press repeat. Watch health and efficiency levels decline steadily. Personal grooming goes to the dogs as well.

I miss making art.

Hallelujah

Bai bai MyFace. Good while it lasted. I feel so light.

Oh the facetiousness of parents! The gall!

Me: Morning work, night work. Shit la. Grumblemumble. [gulps down dinner at lightning fast speed yet again before rushing to meeting]

Parent: Yeah, wat to do, you want like dat wat. Why don't you get a life. [emphasis mine]

Me: *Speechless* 0_O

Ah but then

I'm very happy about the changes n all but I really miss my computer. I can't do any work. Also realize that plenty of past writing, edited video and general unrecoverable information is gone 4EVA. Serious worry about where to get back all that pirated software that was wiped out along with the hard disk. Ho hum. Why didn't I back up, you ask? Fuck off.

OMG

FURTHER FURTHER UPDATE: Yeah, I will never be one of those domestic goddesses; grace under pressure cookers. Everything is (almost) done, but there was a lot of shouting and stolen moments of solitary wine-drinking in between.

FURTHER UPDATE: Why don't. they make those. fucking curtains. the right lenght

UPDATE: Stress is when a parent is on your back about 2 tins of abalone as if it's a life or death situation

There is so much to do for Chinese New Year!

New curtains!
New cushions!
Clean the fish tank!
Clean the back of the house!
Paint the fucking gate!
Change my sheets!
Wash my clothes!
Dust the shelves!
Arrange the booze!
Make the rice paper rolls!
Learn the reunion dinner recipes!
Send out open house invites!
Draw the map to open house!
Finish writing reviews before holiday starts!

AGHHH. I am coping by having glass of wine and illicit cigarette at 4pm. Very Bridget Jones.