Music in my head

The opening of the Cello Suite No.3 from the manuscript of Anna Magdalena Bach, dated 1730.

As I limp along making work for this exhibition, the thought has grown in my mind that I no longer want to make art for awhile. Perhaps a year, maybe even more. At first I dismissed it as the usual stressed-artist hyperbole. When it didn't go away, I became very anxious, started feeling sick in the head - short and sharp attacks of chronic paranoia, unhappiness and panic. My instinct was to push harder and harder to try and reach a breakthrough on the other side - it's always worked before. I guess I did breakthrough, but unlike before, what I've found on the other side... is nothing. I feel a bit of shock, yet now I've really accepted it I feel a little calmer.

It's not something a holiday can fix, or even a fully paid- up residency, or a huge-ass commission. If I was invited to Venice today (haha, yeah, preposterous notion, but what the hell), I tell you honestly I'd feel no joy, only anxiety. But M.S. has asked me to collaborate with him at Asiatopia later in the year, and I feel quite happy about that. I've decided that I must try not to do too many things that cause me to feel anxious, or at some point I may find myself only ever acting out of fear for my career... Now, that's a far smaller life than I ever dreamed for myself.

Go to the places that feed you, not take things from you.

I was going to tell you about Bach's Cello Suites. I've been listening to it while I work and it's like having a friend who understands you and is uplifting you all at once! Cellos have a great old noble sound. I did have a night of great sex to the Cello Suites... so remembered warmth probably has alot to do with it. I highly recommend it. (The sex, and the music, and especially, both together)