Happy thoughts

Because I'm stuck alone on a hill, feeling blue.

1. The sea
2. Boats
3. Tattoos
4. Bright stars
5. Clear nights
6. Dresses
7. Wine
8. Buying art
9. Literature
10. Miyazaki
11. Tophats
12. Breakfast
13. Walking
14. New languages
15. Galapagos
16. Mexico
17. Argentina
18. Portugal
19. Make-up
20. Dancing
21. Poop
22. Z. + Bunny
22. Aubrey & Maturin
23. Sex
24. Bach
25. Dan Savage
26. Friends, old and new
27. Graphic novels
28. Bikinis
29. Glass jars
30. Sydney
31. The moon
32. Whiskey, expensive or cheap
33. Gardens
34. Coconuts, trees and to eat
36. Herbs
39. Jacques Pepin
40. Panthers
41. Rivers
42. Antares
43. Color pencils
44. Perfume
45. Sleep, after a long day
46. Honey
47. Cloth bags
48. Massage
49. Rubber bouncy balls
50. Ur-Quan Masters!

Ooo. It worked. Back to work. Laters.

Happiness

I was really happy last night. (Photo by Azwan Ismail)


Disco Darurat was fucking awesome! Pretty dress, great music curated by Jerome Kugan, crazy-ass dancing which turned into improvised performances at several instances, cheap alcohol (ok, it weren't that cheap) siphoned into me by A.Y. (thanks A.!), plus so many of my favorite people there (except Godzilla). It was a great night.

Talking down

Godzilla talks down Betta's anxieties about joining (touch wood, throw salt over your shoulder, cross fingers, etc) corporate Malaysia:

Godzilla: ...and make sure you take the effort to go for lunch with people.
Betta *looking totally catastrophie*: Huh? Lunch? With people? I have to do that? WTF. OMG. What the hell do I talk about?

This means I can no longer eat toast in the sweetness of my own company all day long.

Betta: I feel like a hillbilly. I feel like I'm 23, starting my first job.
Godzilla: This is not hard. It's easy. Look, if 50 percent of Malaysians can do it, so can you.
Betta: I feel retarded.

This made me realize just how inept we artists are at dealing with stuff other people can do without thinking too much about it. Fill this giant, cavernous space with a hanging sculpture in 3 days? Sure! Circulate at a corporate function? OMG OMG OMG OMG. Interact daily with bosses, secretaries, and office assistants? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

And here's the heartbreak hotel woe-is-me stuff:

Betta: Are people going forget about me as an artist?
Godzilla: Yes, people are probably going to forget about you. (Ain't she good? This is called tough love, y'all) But trust me, when you're done with it, it's not going to take long for them to remember you again.

-

There is so so so much work to be done before the end of the year, my guts quail at the very thought. If it wasn't clear enough to me before that I can no longer continue working in this manner, then I'm absolutely certain of it now.

So in spite of misgivings and anxieties, which honestly, I find difficult to fully articulate, I do look at this impending change with a great sense of relief, anticipation even. And if I may be allowed the indulgence of saying so: I suspect... that I'll make my best art in my 30s. Isn't that something to look forward to?

Welcome to another world

The interview went well.

Short of any storms or change of heart it appears I will start the new year doing something quite different.

More later. For now, I realized that I'll have to change the description of my blogger profile! Ok, that's freaking me out. See you later.

Relative stress

Back in KL for a few days - work, weddings, interview.

If *I* feel stressed, can you imagine what Obama's going through?

(from the lovely Ed Winkleman)

If I don't get that flashy job, I will still be perfectly happy - moving out, living cheaply and perhaps not buying quite so many dresses.

If I fuck up my exhibition so badly that I'm stoned out of Georgetown as a pariah artist.. um. I will still be perfectly happy - I'll move to that little fishing village in Teluk Bahang and live out my freelancer days in complete bliss.

So everyone (including me), chill the fuck out!

New dress New dress New dress

Ugh. This online shopping thing is bad for my credit.

Considering I'm living on a hill where grooming really is at the bottom of my priorities, all this dress purchasing must be driven by some compulsion I don't quite understand yet. They're being sent to my house in KL, so I haven't even seen them! When I go back there and open the boxes it will be like Christmas...

Anyway, back to work to pay for these lovely threads!

Once again, dress and photo from http://the-shoplifters.blogspot.com/

Tired old fish

Revolving hatstand from www.storefixturedepot.com. Wouldn't this make such a cute sculpture, filled up with quirky handmade hats?

You may have noticed, dear reader, that the last few posts have been distinctly list-like in nature. This isn't merely stylistic conceit, but an attempt to keep track of the multiplying threads in my head - always on the verge of becoming a hopeless tangle.

Here are some dates, so that you too, can follow the fascinating travails of my life:

1. We know at last that the residency exhibition opening dates are 8 - 18 December. Yeah, 10 days long (AND CLOSED ON WEEKENDS - it's going to be in a bank, people) make that 7 days!), WTF right? Oh well. Opening is December 12.

2. Dec 3 - 7: I'm going to Myanmar! Beyond Pressure International Performance Festival is happening and I will be there. I'm so happy and excited about this, even though it is right before the exhibition. I'm trying not to think about that, because something deep inside, like maybe my small intestine, is telling me that this is going to be a life-changing experience. I'm thinking about performing How To Talk To Strangers, as well as a new little work I developed from a game the teacher made us play in sign language class.

3. That G.P. research project. Sigh... it's more hard work. And the deadline inches closer.

Damn, I'm tired. I'm at zero, baby. I can pull out a little more magic for this last road, but after that, I'm hanging up my cloak and hat for awhile.

This has got to be the most boring post I've ever written. (If you're having some discreditable, facetious thought in your head along the lines of say, oh, 'maybe not the MOST boring...' - meh, shame on you)

Well onto happier thoughts. Let's help Betta plan a holiday! Any ideas are welcome. Keep in mind that I like the sea, boats, lounging around beaches in my bikini, eating vegetarian food, reading, sewing, having hot sex, wearing funny clothes and getting drunk. I also feel like I'd like to do some recreational drugs (in a safe and nurturing environment).

I'm thinking most about a trip to East Malaysia... a whole other Malaysia.

Second place goes to Langkawi, just because it's so close to Penang.

Best time to visit me in Penang is from exhibition opening onwards. You can see the show and then we can consume disgusting amounts of duty-free Langkawi booze.

Right-o, bright-o. I have to post this before the power cuts off again. It's thundering and lightning vastly outside.

Birthing pains

1. Pocket seas
Flipbooks animations of mobile phone videos of the sea, shot from seven points of the island.

2. Sailing pockets
A scaled down suite of sails sewed from transparent organza, turned into shoulder bags, incorporating pockets rescued from old trousers. White is the colour of surrender.

3. Sitting states/Bumiputeri
Silhouettes of different states of sitting, filled with sand, sewn into straw mats. Weight of the body - imprint on the land. This place is forcing teaching me to sit.

-

12 people die when their boat sinks after leaving Port Klang. They're on their way home to celebrate Hari Raya.

-

Each person journeys to find a home, and this journey is internal as much as external.

We all need safety, a place to rest and sit. This invitation is extended to all - rich and poor, young and old, male and female, from all corners of the world - because this search is basically a function of the body. This body that's a universal burden - humble, imperfect (like a carpet) - with so much capacity for pain. The mind and spirit are respites of the body. Sometimes the body is its own respite.

-

Reading: The Stone Raft by Jose Saramago; The Hundred Days by Patrick O'Brian.

Saramago's nobel lecture *here*.
-

Feeling: something moving.

-

Missing: Poop, friends, lover & family.

Two small surrenders

1.
There'll come a time
when veils are drawn back
when the distant lights you see
from the plane
or the hill
or across the sea
are just pretty to look at
and don't mean a thing
no matter how hard you try.

2.
Now, I want to love you
with my eyes shut
nothing watching
but the night.
And you take the words
right out,
leave breath pouring
in