"Like a god waking up inside me"

Bottom: from The Lake & Stars Spring/Summer 07

I was asked by someone intimate (who shall remain super secret) whether I'd blog about something women here don't really talk about openly, even within their close circle of friends. I shall do my best. And I shan't be coy, and shall come straight out and say what it is, that is, 'the clouds and the rain', I mean 'the lake and stars', but what I really mean to say is 'la petit mort' or 'the little death', rather it is about how I should say... orgasm, or coming (or 'cumming' according to some porn-lit) or female ejaculation.

There, that wasn't awkward at all, was it? Those other terms are not just my fanciful imagination, by the way. They really do exist.

Now I have stuck my silly neck so far out, I shall go back and try to retract it just an inch. I really must suppose that when I say 'women here don't talk about it', I'm making a gross generalization, and maybe there are groups of friends in KL (such is my millieu) who are able to discuss it openly - that is, having one, not having ever had one, not being able to have one, having one by oneself or with others, not knowing if one has had one, how to have one, and/or faking one.

Oh, all of us talk about sex and men all the time. Sometimes we even talk to men about sex. But that's more about sexual attraction, the dating game, how to hook up with someone, etc. In terms of sexual health? I don't know. In a group you'll always have one friend (if you're lucky) that you'll always feel comfortable going to regarding these questions, who won't judge you or become embarassingly awkward about things. Otherwise you pick it up from magazines or Sex and the City re-runs.

I find that in general there is a great deal of assumption that women out there are having orgasms left right and center, just because they have sex. It's not uncommon to think that if you really love someone the sex will be great and you'll have an orgasm. I think that this is a myth. I do think that if a man sets out give a woman an orgasm, instead of just assuming that she will get there in the course of the night (or not caring if she does or not) - it's pretty likely she'll have one. Of course it's always nice when mutual love is involved, but not essential.

Even the most experienced men, who know what to do in bed, aren't necessarily interested in giving pleasure to their partner in bed. And alot who are, just don't know where to start. I think all women (and men) are just waiting to be asked what they like. The best sex happens when there's some sort of back and forth dialogue (Don't worry, this is not Oprah. The dialogue is only minimally verbal, but hopefully extensively oral) - instead of silence and mutually repressed desires. But for this to work a woman has to know what actually DOES please her. I think it's alot to ask for a man to awaken this knowledge in oneself - is it even possible? So I'm all for self-exploration...that is, self-pleasure, that is what I mean to say is masturbation. Which is another thing we women don't talk about.

I do know that as a guy, if you're not sure if you've made her come, it's pretty likely she hasn't. The worse thing you could do is 'just keep on hoping for the best'. The next thing you know it's been five years and she's never had an orgasm with you. Not many relationships can withstand that sort of revelation. And if you do ever ask, and the answer is a 'no', don't feel crushed. It's not your fault, not really. But you could be the one to turn it into a 'yes'! (yes yes yes). The next worse thing you can do is blame her for not having an orgasm. It's not her fault either, most definitely. A woman's clitoris has twice the number of nerve fibres compared to a man's penis. If we go by the assumption that men with functioning penises can achieve orgasm, then so can women (perhaps twice as likely). It also makes sense that this should be the main area of your loving attention. If you care to make a little effort, she'll get you both where you want to be.

It's a proven fact that the majority of women can't come by normal penetrative sex alone. If you're a guy, the most gentle, self-empowering and ultimately fulfilling thing you can do while having sex with a woman is to quietly take her hand and put it on her own clitoris. Don't make demands or turn it into a test. You'll probably be surprized by what happens.

Here I will leave you with your dirty thoughts stirring. I remember an episode of Nip/Tuck where an african woman who went through genital mutilation asked the doctors to build her a clitoris. She'd never had an orgasm before, and when she finally did (self-delivered!) she said: "It was like a god waking up inside me".