On pathetic individuality

I like to be aloof. Aesthetically, if you put something ugly next to something beautiful, it makes the beautiful thing appear more so. This constant interplay between ugly and beautiful creates a challenging, complex thing to look at. Lately, even when I'm alone I want to be elusive and aloof, even when there's no one looking. It must be because I'm utterly, utterly bored. Imagine, self-perpetuating versions of yourself as a diversion from this crushing, soul-defeating, consumerist life. It's so self-indulgent it's disgusting. That's why I love the sea so much, because it puts you in your place. There will never be anything more beautiful and savage and mercurial than the sea, no, least of all me. It is devastatingly humbling. The only other thing that compares is friendship, and other bonds of love. I don't mean the coy little games or stupid dependencies or associations of convenience - actual friendship, and loyalty. When I experience this (manifest as straightforwardness, kindness, regard), there is no need to constantly reinvent and maintain my pathetic individuality.