Skin deep

Some of my flaws: pride (Lucifer himself would hold a candle to me), shyness (listen to what Borges says about that: 'I knew Paul Groussac was in the building. I could have met him personally, but I was then quite shy; almost as shy as I am now. At the time, I believed that shyness was very important, but now I know that shyness is one of the evils one must try to overcome, that in reality to be shy doesn't matter - it is like so many other things to which one gives an exaggerated importance'), ocassional sloth, the tendency to fly into a passion at a moment's notice.

Now we can add vanity to the list. A few days ago I happened to be present at a makeup demonstration by Craig Ryan French (I assure you he is every bit as witty, suave and good-looking as his name implies) for Paul & Joe cosmetics. There we were, a gaggle of simpering female fascination as he showed us how to prevent foundation melt-down, how to avoid dreaded panda-eye, how to zigzag your mascara (yes, that really works). All of a sudden, I became aware of my sloppy baseball cap, my face with 2 inches of sunblock on (I was filming outdoors), my sweaty t-shirt, and... surely that smell wasn't coming from me?

Really, it was an epiphany. As an artist, I always thought day-to-day grooming didn't matter. Of course you don't want to be wearing a cocktail dress to the studio, but tatty jeans and tshirts aren't that great for gallery visits or other social outings. After awhile you get in artist slob mode all the time and when one finally does make an effort like for an art opening everyone stares unbelievingly making one feel even more self-conscious.

Recently events have transpired that have left me rather lacking in self-confidence. I'm all for personality shining though, but I never realized just a little effort in dress and face gives you a little boost, makes it easier to feel better and therefore talk to people. Being an artist, people seem to expect you to have all these social graces and skills in place. All this while there has been Betta the artist and Betta the person, and the latter I've fiercely protected from all but the most intimate and trusted friends. A strange disjuncture happens when I talk to friends who are also colleagues - it is very difficult for me. I feel very nervous and immensely pressured. Often this ruins the exhibition or play I've gone to see, so much so that I've avoided all openings except those absolutely necessary social homages. This impedes my development both personally and in my work.

'All straight things must bend or break'. In KL the scene is so small - everyone knows everyone by name, and this makes conversation so awkward, even that first introduction. I never knew the value of annonymity for meeting new and interesting people. I confess to be at a loss after that first hello. 'Oh, there is so-and-so, the director/producer/author', and somehow one never goes beyond that to meet the actual person. When people ask me 'so, what have you been working on lately?', I'm terrified that the dismay will show in my eyes. I usually have an outer body experience answering it: while I natter on vaguely about this or that new media thing, the other part of me is standing and staring, dying to ask this person where they bought that fabulous necklace or even what his hobbies are. So are hours spent, wasted, nothing accomplished, nothing learnt, except to maintain one's presence in the so-called 'scene'.

Oh dear, I better dispell this whiney edge that has come creeping in. I've no illusions about the importance of networking. At times it's also quite pleasurable. What I'm saying is that one must try to adapt to situations, to bring the inner and outer selves closer to each other. I always want my work to be my solace, but it cannot always only be that, if one is to move forward artistically.

This was actually supposed to be a post listing down all the make-up tips I got from Mr. Craig Ryan French, but obviously skin deep is never just that with me. Hmm. They really are good tips though. Will post later, with photos even! His eyeshadow technique is divine... take it from me.