Monday, March 31, 2008

If I rub it again, would you hold it against me?

Malaysian audiences - you gotta love us. We are so enthusiastic; it's all so new to us. Ivory tower? What tower? Wherever we are, art = touch. We LOVE to touch. For us, a gallery is like a petting zoo. Therefore if you find yourself amongst a crowd that is poking, prodding, stroking, rubbing, fondling and peeling off bits of paint from the art, chances are you are in a Malaysian art gallery. We might be a little uncivilized, but at least we're charming. We're also persistent. If you tell us 'please don't touch', we wander innocently to the other end of the room and do it again; if you ban us from the gallery, we'll just go to another one; if we break something, we run away quickly or give you that irresistible i-didn't-do-nuthin puppy-dog look.

Therefore, in honour of all Malaysians, I would like to propose an exhibition in which everything can be picked up and played with. I think we should work with our audiences, as sometimes they know more than we do. There is a reason why popping bubble wrap is a stress reliever. Think about how much fun you will have conceiving that touchable painting or stroke-able sculpture. Like a sponge, your art will be soaking up all that love. I say yes, yes to touching!

Just don't expect that Picasso exhibition to tour here anytime soon.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Ghosts

I smell your ghost
A shard
or a maybe splinter
expands under the skin
hairsbreadth bruise

It passes
I walk on
Old stars, new night
Arms greet me
hold me
in it.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Tibet

The Dalai Lama is still one of the sane and human faces in the global political circus.

For those who think Buddhism is a passive belief and cannot reconcile political resistance with the concept of detachment from worldly affairs, generally we can be said to look at it this way: if you can help, then help; if you can't, then at least do no harm. We cannot let oppressors do what they want willy-nilly, because to allow them to do that is bad for them. We continue to take the path of love and compassion towards our fellow human beings, but we are certainly not passive. I think this concept can be easily applied even if you are not a believer.

Remember that the Dalai Lama is seeking autonomy for Tibet, NOT independence. He is willing to deal with China on those terms. I feel this is the right path. It is clear that this is not simply about preserving sovereignity, it's about preserving culture, knowledge, language and the way of life of an entire people - now that's something worth fighting for. It MUST NOT be allowed to lenyap begitu saja.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Lions

Vastly incapacitated by a hacking cough and what is likely the cumulative effects of uninhibited worrying, I'm once again in that slightly embarrassing condition of not being able to do anything at all - that is, including sleep, eat and/or work.

The thing with this condition is that you find yourself working on another time-scale, while the world flows on around you. Phone calls come in, some demanding, others enquiring; emails, messages, chores, reminders, meetings, proposals, favours. Your watch and calendar become objects of tyranny. Time is parcels. You pack more into some than you can afford to. Loved ones usually get the smaller ones.

This evening, I decided to take some of those parcels out of circulation entirely. I switched off my phone, shut down my computer and went to the book shop. Time and again it happens, but I never spot it as soon as I should - the reason why one feels that writing has suddenly become so terribly difficult is because one has stopped reading altogether. Walking between bookshelves is like walking amongst of a pride of benevolent lions. There was Borges, speaking from the grave with his voice as precise, elusive and complex as a difficult perfume. Pamuk and Auster, magicians at the height of their powers. Le Guin, wise and fiery - sympathizing with but suffering no fools; knowing the importance of naming something right. Anais Nin, so recognizable it's difficult to look at her, but somewhere in that limpid wandering is finely tempered metal thread. An attentive magpie could tease it out like a worm, only to discover it makes up a web (or a net?). John Berger - compassionate, powerful, wonderful. And of course, my old friend of the sea Patrick O'Brian - well I went home with him tonight.

I guess, to walk amongst lions is to feel the continuity of time, in the sense that all time-scales are contained in it. Somehow or other even this particular one - the time-scale of 2am in the rainy month of March 2008 I can't sleep or work and I am running out of time - fits in there. Yes, fits right in there with the time-scale of I am waiting for my husband to come home, and the time-scale of two people dreaming in the desert, and that of when will I know when my visa is approved, and on and on...

There's time. There's plenty of it.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Self-medication

The Steve Smith I'd like to buy (if it wasn't already sold):

Song Writing
Steve Smith, 2003
Oil on Canvas, 32 x 27cm
(from Ray Hughes Gallery, Sydney)


The Steve Smith I plan to buy (see the observatory in the background?):

The Second Coming (Pat. Pend.)
Steve Smith, 2003
oil on canvas, 51 x 41 cm
(from Ray Hughes Gallery, Sydney)

Moody bitch

I hate that fucking tag function on Myface. I know privacy is an illusion, but I need my fragile fictions to keep me going.

You know what there's no longer enough of in the world? Mystery.

Bleh. I have a thousand damn things to do. I'm getting a scotch to kill this damn cough.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Works in progress

I'm so strung out, stressed out. Too much other work, not enough time for my own. On the back burner:

This coming sunday I'll be performing with M.S. and a few others on Jalan Bukit Bintang, in front of Maybank. As usual performing on the street makes me quite jittery. We visited the site today, and it's a great space: hawkers, beggars, loiterers. I think the general reaction to our little event will be: WTF.

I will be performing a very simple action called 'River'. A long sheet of paper will be laid out on the ground. With me at one end and M.S. at the other. We start in the middle, each holding our end of the paper flat in front of our faces. We put the paper to our mouths and using our tongues, we make a slit big enough to fit over our heads. We fit the paper over our heads and each moves back so that the paper is stretched out again. We continue to dissolve the paper with our mouths from each end until we meet in the middle and our mouths touch.

It's not much. Just a way to cross distance, without language.

-

I want to follow my mother in her Tai Chi routine. We will be attached loosely by strings - she is teaching me, and I am learning as best I can - to be patient, to understand her, to observe and follow without judging. But I am also teaching her - to be patient, to understand me, to accept a child as her shadow.

My father? LOLS. We'll be side by side and I try to match him drink for drink. Just kidding :) No, with my father it will probably be something to do with food.

-

I've made sails out of sieves - useless for sailing, quite good for storytelling; now it's time to make the bones of the ship. Long slats of wood, maybe carpet, maybe paper. Words as the grain...? Blue silk somewhere. I don't know. It's unclear. Home, this is home. A shipwreck. An anchor - your love. Tattoos - marks and signposts.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Sorry but

...the new Ministry of UNITY, arts, culture and heritage is just fucking stupid. Is this the government's version of lateral thinking?

Any one of these okay aso wat:

Ministry of Unity and Internal Security
Ministry of Unity and Human Resources
Ministry of Unity, Trade and Foreign Affairs
Ministry of Unity, Forestry and Agriculture
Ministry of Unity, Youth and Sport
Ministry of Unity and Islamic Affairs
Ministry of Unity and Transport
Ministry of Unity, Women and Welfare

So, janganlah keep unity just for the arts! The honour is too great.

Someone please start a Miss Unity pageant. Tudungs compulsory.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Thoughts on art, exchange and going beyond pressure

Hanging with M.S. again the other night, he told me some bad news - that his grant application for the international performance art festival he was planning in Myanmar had fallen through. Commiserations for this perplexing, depressing blow took the form of dinner and beers.

Smoking some criminally strong cigarettes (thanks z.), our conversation stumbled and flopped around broken language. Silences were punctuated with random, gratuitous cries of 'beyond pressure!', raised glasses, cheesy laughter. It was so totally geeky I'm glad no one else was there to witness it.

Somewhere along the way we managed to have bouts of furious back and forth about performance, language, access, economics and power. A light started to shine on that confused part of my mind that's been pondering on relative inequalities - reflected in all levels of living in the world, and thrown into stark focus when two artists like me and M.S. interact. In between the market, national and global politics, biennial fever, superstar curators, supernova artists, criticism, writing, professional careers - where is art?

Here is art. The importance of M.S.'s proposed festival of performance art - Beyond Pressure - is this: one, that people who are not in Myanmar have access to different ways of looking at what is happening there now, which I am certain is nothing like what's in the media; two, that it creates from within a space in which people who are in Myanmar can take part in the representation of themselves, a reaffirmation of their place in the global community. Here is art - that beyond day to day survival, we can resist the pressures from within and without that insist on keeping us where we are: firmly in our places in the first or third world, firmly dependent on a feudal system of global economy.

This is not about inequality and a futile attempt to level it. This is about representations - access to an alternative system of representation can profoundly change the way we look at (and act in!) the world. An example close to home: who amongst us middle-class Malaysians has not harboured thoughts of suspicion and fear towards immigrants from Myanmar, Bangladesh and Indonesia? And if it's not suspicion and fear, then isn't it a profound discomfort underpinned by guilt and a sense of helplessness each time you're served by a waiter for Myanmar and you know she has no rights in the eyes of either her employer or our government? This is where art comes in and does what nothing except art can do - it presents an alternative. Beyond the language of politics and NGOs, which in many ways reaffirms conditions of inequality even as they attempt to allay the symptoms of it, there are other ways of approaching and getting to know each other.

Performance. We were talking about how there seemed to be difference in approach. For convenience we were throwing around the category 'west' with total hubris, like a beach ball - how a 'western' approach to performance seems to invest hugely in language and text, evidenced in how more meaning is put in to the text of a performance instead of the action. True. Many times I catch myself conceiving of a work using language first, then the image emerges from that, almost as if seeking a way to illustrate the text in my head. Looking at M.S.'s work, it's different. The action/image holds the meaning, and is the starting point. The action is long, pregnant, complex; usually no text accompanies it. Why is it important to identify this difference? Because the way we access power in the artworld (manifest as connections, market value, etc) is through the 'western' (there's that beach ball again) system of language and text. Where and how a performance is written about perpetuates it as a commodity (lets call it nothing else) in a global value system that may have absolutely nothing to do with the very MOMENT and PLACE in which that performance was enacted.

What this is means is the degree to which you are valued (critically and commercially - although the two seem interchangeable these days) depends on your access to this system of language. For a country like Myanmar, the access is almost nil. Why no Burmese artists at Biennales? Why relatively few (but steadily growing) number of Malaysian artists? This isn't a question asked from the outraged position of the marginalized, rather I ask it instructively. Let's not kid ourselves. It may be one day we'll see Malaysia represent strongly at Biennales all over the world. It may be one day we'll have our own. Beyond glamour and recognition, what would it mean? It's high time art regained some of its teeth and courage; it's high time biennales take an honest critical position about themselves by putting the system of biennales squarely at the center of its own curatorial concern. Back to why I think it's imperative that Beyond Pressure performance art festival is held in Myanmar: it helps us to invent a new language of performance - both in the action and the word - that sheds light on how to believe in an art that goes beyond market politics and power. I want an art that lives, breathes and acts in the world today. It's possible, and it's important. It's not a utopian challenge, but one of resistance.

Beyond pressure! Cheers!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Yearrrrrggghhhhhh

Random virtual outburst. Stress gila. Deadlines deadlines. Gotta get them balls painted and a bad kink has mysteriously appeared in my right shoulder blade. I forgot what a godawful long process it was to get them made. Don't use your hands for 5 months and this is what happens. Pffft. Poo. Lalalalala. Ok nicotine time, baibai bitches.

Monday, March 17, 2008

My new favorite phrase is

...critical lattices!

As in, 'the work relies on the critical lattice of blablabla to make sense of what is happening in blablabla today.', or, 'this exhibition creates a sort of critical lattice which supports the notion of blablabla, yet allowing room for certain blablabla to fall to the ground.'

You wait and see, it's the next big thing in art writing! Use it today!

Mother moon

Tonight I saw the moon reflected in a window above me as I sat below in conversation, in community. Noticing her hanging there in her solitude made me smile inside. I'm always comforted by the moon. She is very content to take part by observing quietly from a distance, but the light of her touches everything in the most intimate way.

I think I am addicted to my work because through it I can be fraternal. I want an art that reaffirms the human need for communication and contact - something I find so difficult in my personal life. Sometimes the longing for independence registers as sort of fatal flaw in my character, something to be overcome - like addiction, or shyness. We won't talk about the source of it. Although recently I was told about my maternal grandmother, who never I met. She decided one day she would like to leave her family and live her own life, and that's exactly what she did, leaving behind four children, including my mother. Am I anything like her, I asked. You have no idea how much, said my mother...

I am quite sure it's a question my mother has asked of herself too. But she stayed, that's the difference. I am not positive it was an entirely happy choice, but to speak of things in simple terms like 'happiness' is quite useless here.

There is progress. The tattoo resolves certain complexities for me in ways I can't fully explain. As time goes on I hope I'll add more. My art is a powerful crutch, but these days I feel very positive about it being more than that. Like light from mother moon, it's an extension of me, not some surrogate or vessel. Each day I heave my art closer to me; each day we both become more real and our qualities manifest in each other. One day it will no longer be a crutch, but a tool, and a weapon.

And I remember what Goenawan Mohammed wrote: 'In truth, it is not possible to say, I choose independence, but at the same time I do not choose danger... I cannot only choose a creative life, and not be prepared, like Adam, to be expelled from blissful paradise into the restless world of creation.'

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Drunkne n post

Oh it's been awhile since I did one of these. Sorry poop I came home and had more that's the bad effect of having a house well supplied with booze. Hmm. Lets see. We were trying to recreate the dynamics of friendship with venn diagrames. I asked, how about garments and friendship?
\
'I wouldn't wear a shirt forever'.

'Do you ahve something from when I first met you?'
'Yeah it's a blue polo shirt'
'OMG THAT SHIRT'
'Yes.'

So that object from when I first met you has lived as long as our friendship. The older the friendship the older the object. I really remember that shirt.

If you give it to me, I'll make a new garment that tells the story. This particular shirt would become a dress in soft navy blue cotton. It would have a red satin lining. Cloth covered buttons and pin tucks along the shoulders. You could walk a hundrend miles in this dress, maybe a thousand.

Phrases I will never use officially in a professional capacity, but which proliferate my private thoughts

... I felt my insides seize up in aesthetic revolt

... it makes me fairly pant with apathy

... well, haven't seen THAT before

... this is more boring than an activist gathering

... this video footage is making my brain melt. OMG it goes on for another 20mins.

... well that was mercifully short

... why do people perpetrate this shit

... this artist statement makes me want to draft my own will

... it hurts my eyes

... this sculpture has an aura of malevolence about it

... someone arrest this artist for aesthetic assault

... did I stumble onto some graduate show

... maybe the catalog will help me understand it

... at least the review will only be 800 words. The anecdote will already take up a third.

... everyone seems to love this. Is it just me?

... being truthful about this might get me fired.

... what would John Berger do to this painting?

... I will persevere through this artistic adversity.

... this installation is making me depressed

... ohhh. I'm getting that 'bad paintings' feeling again.

... phew. I need a scotch

... well people didn't understand Ulysses, either. Maybe I should try harder

... why do I keep going to these artist talks. They sure make me depressed

... I'm sure the quality-to-trash ratio is worse somewhere else

... if I have to look at another painting show I'll lose the will to live

... wanker

I guess I could go on forever. But I've already generated enough bad karma. I'm sure you enjoyed it too, bitches.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

What I have been doing

Sewing

I've been doing an inordinately large amount of sewing. Changing buttons here, cutting a new collar there. There is a tight black dress I am deciding the hem on - a couple of centimeters means the oh-so-subtle difference between slutty and sexy. One of two shows planned in the second half of the year will definitely be about clothes, I think. The other will be about muteness and silence. Which subject for which show, that's the question. It's all about timing. They are not very far apart. I will have to let things cook a little longer. We are only in the tracking stage in terms of hunting muses - the full-speed chase is a way off.


Writing

I have been writing and writing, singing for my supper. It's getting a little easier. But I haven't read anything fun in a long while. It's probably time for another dose of Patrick O'Brian. Leavemealone *mumbles*, I know I am lowbrow I am proud of it.


Listening to Chinese and Malay radio

The past elections really hammered home the importance of language for me. How in a different language something takes on an entirely different... texture. To tell you I love you in Chinese, what a door to a paralell world we might live in. So when I say a show about silence and muteness, I mean that I think I want to use sign language, or other types of communication that are not written or verbal. A progression of How To Talk to Strangers. More strategies. Yes.


Thinking about economics

If the capitalist mainstay is 'Minimum investment, maximum profit', then if we are thinking about resisting capitalism, should we think 'Maximum effort, minimum change'? This isn't new. Francis Alys talks about it in one of his interviews, and his 2002 work 'When Faith Moves Mountains' is underpinned by this idea. 'I guess today political correctness has been replaced by economic correctness', he said, when asked about criticism he received for orchestrating an ostensibly 'useless' gesture (moving a sand mountain one foot to the left) that required immense labour from hundreds of volunteers. There's a really interesting exhibition of Cuban artists called States of Exchange in London at the moment that looks specifically at economics. I like the show alot. Precisely the sort of utilitarian discourse that is needed right now. I wish one of the Biennales would have this as the curatorial brief. We need more strategies and ways of imagining to combat the numbing effects of global consumerism. John Berger also refers to this again and again in Hold Everything Dear.

Ah but then II

Thoroughly dissatisfied after going to two openings yesterday. Maybe because there was no booze at either one. My bitching (remarkably consistent; one might even say tediously repetitive, if you were feeling ungenerous) in chronological order:

Betta: I know it's a new Malaysia, but the art is the same.
H: You need to give it time.
Betta: I want it NOW.
H: Well you can't have it now.
Betta: Feh.

Betta: I know it's a new Malaysia, but the art is the same.
Z: Art is irrelevant, you're in the wrong profession
Betta: I know, I would have made millions selling my body. Dammit.
Z: You sound really confident about that.
(Betta *unsaid, but certainly thought at the time*: shouldn't I be..?)

Betta: I know it's a new Malaysia, but the art is the same.
L: Hahahhahahh. heeh.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Ah but then

I'm very happy about the changes n all but I really miss my computer. I can't do any work. Also realize that plenty of past writing, edited video and general unrecoverable information is gone 4EVA. Serious worry about where to get back all that pirated software that was wiped out along with the hard disk. Ho hum. Why didn't I back up, you ask? Fuck off.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Circus

My life is a traveling circus
with lions
and tigers
and monkeys
and mermaids
and a fire-breathing serpent.
I have caravans
and costumes
and feathers
and rhinestones
and stage paint
and..
leather whips.
I've got a bearded lady,
happily married
and a professional clown
who is an alcoholic
I have poets
they're all marvelous
and a fortune teller
speaking in cryptic verses
The trapezers are all gay
and squabble alot
We eat by campfire
and love by moonlight
My life is a traveling circus
a very happy nightmare
I love it
and so will you.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Balik kampung

For the first time in my life I feel at peace with myself and the country I was born in. Yesterday night Jerome hugged me and said: now you don't have to leave, Sharon. Tears started flowing when he went on to say: we can tell everyone else that they can come back.

They can come back...

I just don't have any words to express how I feel. I am so relieved and grateful. Finally, finally people who we can trust to listen to us. Sivarasa has the kindest face in the whole world, and when Elizabeth Wong smiled at me my heart just melted. Yes, it is a reaffirmation of all the hard work, love and effort poured into living here day to day. Yes yes yes. I feel so happy; I don't want to rest, I want to work!

And I don't want to leave. Can you believe it? Oh my god... I've waited so long for this. *sob*

Ok I gotta go pull myself together now. X.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Privacy, imagination and voting

It's 3pm the day before Elections. I shall tell you that the sun is shining outside with rain clouds not far away on the horizon; that I'm alone at home writing this, and that this is a moment of blessed privacy. Soon, I'll get into my car and step into the communal chaos of an election campaign.

Being an artist in Malaysia, you're always wondering about your own usefulness. It seems there's an outer realm of reality (can we say politics?), and then there's an inner world of unassailable privacy in which you create (could we call it art?). The two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. In fact, things get interesting when they overlap.

I don't know much about politics, but I do know quite alot about imagination. Now, I can't be sure, but it seems to me that imagination can't exist without privacy. One strange effect of this election period that I have observed is a steady taking over of the communal into the private. What I mean is, when you write, you'll think about who is reading; when you act, you'll wonder what it's for. You think bigger than yourself. You attach to a community, a team, a party. Your ballot resurrects and reaffirms your place as a member of society.

This past week has confirmed in me, stronger than ever, the place of imagination in every part of life and society. Without it, it means that no one has a space in which to be themselves. We become issues, and worse, language dies for us. This is the one thing I'll hold on to as I step out to vote, because it makes me calm to think that voting need not be divorced from imagination. That in spite of all the campaigning, voting is a deeply private act. In that moment I'll act as myself and not for any party or person. It's worth more than 'making it count', and imagination accompanies every X like a hope or a prayer.

Say, ahoy!

...to a pair of sailor shoes. Well, Sailor Jerry shoes, anyway.

I haven't worn sneakers in years. Feeling some ballet flat fatigue, I found myself poking around the Converse store and saw these Sailor Jerry tattoo flash ones. Instant love. I mean, 'Death Before Dishonour'... don't you feel chills? The lowtops are good too, and probably a little more to my true tastes. Didn't have my size unfortunately, which is probably a good thing. My bank account doesn't feel too healthy lately.

Enjoy.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Hearts in the city

You grow two hearts all day
one to keep full
the other to stay empty
And tonight when you can't sleep
you'll clutch to your chest
one or the other
and say, this is me:
I choose the heavy - fraternity
or the hollow - free.
Well, that way
you're either sinking
or you're floating
That's what two hearts are good for,
for being in two places at once.

But you need to have just one
for walking
working
loving
and living
- properly, that is.
And you need to remember
one heart
has four chambers
connected by echoing hallways.
And you need to know
this heart is a city
in all the cities you'll ever walk in

...Yes, even this one
in which you loathe the days
that breed dualities
and love the nights
that dissolve them.
Yes in this city
I'll put the sun in one chamber
the moon in the other
rain in the third
and the last,
I'll keep for you.

In this city
I'll have only one heart.

For z.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Unlocking

These lines were written by someone in prison:

Part of you may live alone inside,
like a tone at the bottom of a well.
But the other part
must be so caught up
in the flurry of the world
that you shiver there inside
when outside, at forty days' distance, a leaf moves.


and so were these:

To think of roses and gardens inside is bad,
to think of seas and mountains is good.
Read and write without rest,
and I also advise weaving
and making mirrors.


Advice from someone who knew all about passing time and being locked up. I'm listening, Nazim; I'm listening, listening. And this freedom tastes sweet in my mouth - to be enjoyed now, tonight even. Free, for example, to stay one step ahead of sleep, to look out and see the moon above the roofs of houses, to add a few more words to this night before the sun comes up. Free to imagine no prisons, ever, concrete ones, yes, but especially those that aren't.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Sculpture, loving

The Black Sheep (1969)
by Augusto Monterroso
(trans. from Spanish by Marion Iverson)

Many years ago in a faraway land there lived a Black Sheep.

It was shot.

A century later the sorry flock raised an equestrian statue to it, which looked very fine in the park.

So from then onward whenever a black sheep appeared it was quickly shot so that future generations of common sheep could also practice the art of sculpture.


----

Alica Keys:

don't you know that the next day is never really guaranteed?/so every time you're near me/love me like you'll never see me again.